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31 July 2008 @ 09:16 am
At a time when I should feel most vulnerable - trudging through underground tunnels and open wilderness with a little life to protect - I feel so strangely secure. Perhaps it is the comfort of Lord Rog and the Ent's conversation that keeps me distracted. Even the weight of my quiver and the smooth touch of Dailir I find to be reassuring. The Noldor and Sindar packed around me are not my kin, yet I feel bonded to them by our common plight. I feel like, whatever happens, I have a good chance at living - and I am so glad of it, so eager to continue. So soon, and we will see the open sea that I have longed for. I am sorry for Maiwen, who has not not lived to see it. When the evacuees are together again I will look for her grandson Ilverin and ensure he is cared for. I think it would make her happy if he were raised among her kin. And it would be good for Tuilo to have a playmate.

Oh Tuilo. The only shadow falls when I think of you and your father, so far from me. Ulmo protect them! We are so close to a new life.
Current Mood: sentimental
14 April 2008 @ 02:00 pm
For so long I have been fighting for Halatir - at least, I thought it was for him. I wanted us to be as we were before the Kinslaying, before the Ice, before the battles and the long waits and the cold nights. I wanted to reawaken his passion for life, for me. I wanted to forget that he ever held a sword or took a life. I wanted him to forget.

I thought he was fighting back, resisting me, pulling away. I have blamed him for so many of our struggles. I guess I was afraid of the truth, of what it might mean.

His spirit is a little bit broken, and I can't fix it.

Maybe nothing outside of the Halls of Mandos and rebirth can truly heal him from this war-weariness, this shadow of death. I wish I had not followed him here, but waited in Aman; at least then he would have come back to me, some day. Now I must face the possibility I will remain here, and he will go on to a new life. I have to let him go. And if he chooses certain death over uncertain life, I cannot hold it against him, though it break my heart to know I may not see him again.
Current Mood: sadsad
05 April 2008 @ 02:58 pm
I've tried to be accepting of Halatir's ... habits. I've been noticing the signs for quite some time now, so Mardil's report shouldn't have come as such a shock to me.

I suppose what hurts is that he keeps it from me (although everyone else in the city is permitted to know, apparently). He must know I will still love him. Why the deception?

And how does he find time to start rebellions while everyone else is preparing for a seige and evacuation? It must be Feanor's influence.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
30 October 2007 @ 10:57 pm
I read one of this Heledir's books once. I had decided I must learn to read Sindarin, so I might teach Tuilo to write. It took me a great deal of time to translate it, but I quickly learned what sort of book it was ... And I suppose this shouldn't surprise me, because I know what sort of books Halatir likes to read. If this is how men must comfort each other in dread times, then so be it. I have never experienced battle or shed the blood of another - I know he has walked in places I will never go. If he must seek ... companionship on his hard road, I can accept that.

... Although I do hope Heledir doesn't mind sharing.
Current Mood: accepting
11 November 2006 @ 09:21 am
I felt nothing at all this morning. What if the healer tells me that I did lose the child, that my womb is as empty as the hopes of the Eldar? Would Halatir be relieved? Or would it crush him? Would he never lay with me again, for fear of reminding me? Would I be sent away, no longer carrying a tiny fëa in need of its parents' nuturing?

The healer's tent seems so much larger than the others in the camp - like it will swallow me whole.
24 April 2006 @ 12:14 pm
"What have you done to my cousin?"

I could ask you the same thing, Feanorion. But you would not remember him. The life of a Noldo is worth twelve Teleri, though all we did was defend ourselves.
09 February 2006 @ 03:16 pm
Why could he not have let Turgon go in his place, as he offered to do? Why is he forcing this separation upon us? Either I must live in fear and doubt until his return, or join him and leave my little son at a loss.

I am tired of weeping! Let these men do their share.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
11 January 2006 @ 05:42 pm
My words are strong but I do not know that I carry such strength in me. I have left him before, but always with the knowledge that I would return - or he would come for me. Could I really carry on living, never hearing his voice or feeling his warmth?

I could; I have; but who would choose to make their life a Helcaraxe?

Thoughts of the months ahead haunt my every waking moment; my tears are spent, and I feel like an empty well.

And the very word Balar is a taste of madness.

But what of Tuilo? What if we should leave and not return? He is so young yet; too young to lose both his parents. Yet I could not bear to bring him; the dangers I imagine are likely only the half of what we would face.

Dawn will come too soon! Can I endure another goodbye?

What if he does not come back?
Current Mood: torn
04 November 2005 @ 10:44 am
I'd be glad to have you with me. However, I can't take you to visit the Easterlings, if we encounter them - or the Feanorians.

The Feanorians. How would I feel, to see them again? Their faces are a soft blur of torchlight, but I remember the violence of their voices - the strength of their upraised arms and grasping hands - the authority with which they walked.

Devout killers. Desperate believers. Blasphemers, condoning their murders with a holy vow. Why does Iluvatar not strike them down? Does He, too, love them for their wild glory? What sort of glory gives a man the will to kill his wife's family?

(I suppose he didn't. But someone did.)

If ever I have felt true fealty to this Noldo king, to Turgon, it is for this reason alone: he would never welcome them.

To see them again - knowing that vengeance and violence are their way - what could I do but hate myself as one of them?
12 October 2005 @ 12:15 pm
I can't recall the last time I felt so content. Of course, we are having enough difficulties setting up this shop to give Halatir an ulcer - but we're happy. Halatir is kept busy, which he likes; his business skills are put to the test, and he needn't be too polite to the other merchants. I have finished nearly all of the tapestries I began in the summer, and our new order of yarn has just arrived.

And every night, I have him with me. Fast asleep, of course, but I can't complain. I don't even hold onto him all night anymore, afraid of him leaving. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe.
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful